However, if you're reading this blog to gain wedding insight and you happen to be an introvert or suffer from any kind of anxiety, let me be the first to warn you that the process of wedding planning will also involve discomfort.
I'm lucky thus far--I haven't received that much discomfort in the wedding planning process (in the grand scheme of things) with the few frustrations I've experienced already written and posted here (see Controlled Chaos and Ups and Downs). But when I started running into trouble with formal invitations that never arrived and a host of other small things that made my chest heave with nerves, I decided it might be therapeutic to write about the top six things an introverted anxious perfectionist might have to worry about when planning a wedding (based on my experiences thus far).
You might worry about...
#6. The invitations not arriving.
I've made spreadsheets to keep track of guest names, addresses, plus ones, and whether or not I sent a Save-the-Date card, invitation, and thank-you note. I take pictures when I mail the invites so I know the exact day I sent them. I follow up with invitees when I can (and will certainly be following up after the RSVP deadline) to ensure we get a somewhat accurate guest count for the venue and that no one is accidentally excluded. I feel like I've covered all my bases as much as I can. And yet still, still, I have guests text me that their invite never arrived. Still, I accidentally wrote down the wrong address on an envelope (it was correct on my spreadsheet so that's my bad). Still, my own maid of honor's invitation arrived slit open with absolutely nothing in the envelope. I'm beginning to worry I may have more than one wedding crasher who originally thought my reception info cards were a wad of cash. The fear of invitations not arriving goes back to the idea of something you can't control (once they're off there's no turning back) coupled with the worry that someone you care about will think you don't care about them if your own wedding invitation can't be bothered to arrive. Thankfully, I've received around 30 RSVP cards (about one third of the invitations sent), so I know some of the invites made it to their intended recipients. That small piece of mind is helpful when you send your precious information off into the abyss.
#5. The people you didn't invite.
Speaking of invitations, anxious introverts will also have to worry about the people who they weren't able to invite to the wedding (or those they weren't able to invite to the bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, or ask to be a bridesmaid). Unless you have unlimited wealth and resources, it's impossible to include absolutely everyone you are connected to in absolutely every event. I did my best to make choices based on logical factors. I didn't invite anyone I currently worked with because I didn't want to have to pick some and not others from the 25 people in my department. I wouldn't have room to invite them all. Dear fiance made the decision to invite his aunts and uncles but not his cousins (one uncle has 20 family members alone)--the exception being if they are in the wedding party or if they invited us to their wedding. We had to make a cutoff somewhere, because we could pretty much only afford a guest count of 150 (see #1). Including all his cousins on top of my family, his family, and our friends would jump that guest count to about 240. And again, I didn't want to pick some and not others. But I still feel bad having to tell people, "Sorry, we don't have the space for your kids." Even extroverts and people without anxiety will likely feel the sting of a distant relative or coworker who asks why they didn't make "the cut". It's just that people like me tend to have a harder time dealing with it. I still get a spasm when I think about Uncle's text to ask if his kids were invited. Does he understand it's not a slight but just a cost-saving measure? Were his kids super looking forward to it? Is he now going to hate me forever? (Anxious introverts overthink everything).
#4. The people you did invite.
In addition to balancing the opinions of your guests (as I've written about before), an introvert planning a wedding has the added anxiety of interacting with a lot of people multiple times for long periods of time. This by itself is not a bad thing (we are inviting people to the wedding that we like and love, after all). But introverts tend to prefer interactions in small groups, or one-on-one meetings if possible. At least, that's the way I am. I shrink away at social events. I don't speak out if the table has more than about six people. I've only had two gatherings that you might actually call "birthday parties" in my whole life because I tend to celebrate with either just immediate family or with one or two close friends. That doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with people. I just prefer to hang out individually. There's no way to have an individual wedding for every guest. And while I'm not "afraid" to see everyone together in one place to celebrate our union (the thought actually warms my heart), I do know I'll need time to recharge afterwards. To spend time alone, or talk to my fiance about deep stuff instead of small talk with Great Aunt Alice trying to explain why we didn't get married in a church (see #2). I have a feeling I won't get that recharge time until every event is over--so, after the wedding week. But in the meantime I will have lots of social interacting at the bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal practice, rehearsal dinner, and finally the ceremony and reception (plus probably a few more after the wedding to visit family in town before they leave since our honeymoon is a month later). This is mostly an issue for introverts, but being prepared for lots of people, lots of conversations, and lots of activity is something everyone in a wedding situation should know.
#3. What will go wrong (a.k.a. messing up the first dance and falling on your face).
So many people have given me the following advice. "Expect that something will go wrong, and then don't freak out when it does." With so many moving parts to a wedding, something is statistically bound to get messed up in the end. You just have to roll with the punches. I'm all for rolling with punches in theory. But in practice I like to know how things are going to play out. And this is one situation I can't prepare for what might play out because there are so many things that could potentially go wrong. The dress could tear. The tuxes could be the wrong size. A guest might get overly inebriated and decide to start talking politics. The DJ might play the wrong version of our song. The speeches might run too long. The ceremony might be too cold. I might get chastised by a guest who doesn't approve of the secular ceremony (again, see #2). That wedding crasher fear. We might forget the escort cards. Someone might get food poisoning. The possibilities are endless. And now that I've begun to rehearse a choreographed first dance (which my fiance loves to remind me "was my idea"), I have the added worry that I will blank out on the dance, miss a step, look terribly awkward in front of everyone, and quite possibly fall on my face. In reality, I know that I would just get back up, laugh, and continue on. It's not the end of the world, and what else can you do? But my goodness, with all the time, effort, and expense (#1) I'm putting into this wedding, the perfectionist side of me sure would like it to be perfect. Too bad the likelihood of that happening--statistically--is slim to none.
#2. Religion.
Some of your family and friends might be ultra lax and actually appreciate the fact that you don't get married in a house of worship. Some of your family and friends might secretly (or not so secretly) judge you for the fact that you're not following a particular religion. This will cause strife with the guests you invite who won't come based on their beliefs, and the guests you invite who will come but will make faces the entire time because that garter toss was too raunchy or they don't believe your heartfelt vows count as sacred. Great. Again, you have to roll with the punches and make decisions that work for you and your fiance. But when it comes to judgement, comments, or outright shunning, I have to say that it does hurt. Especially when it comes from people that you care about. Anxious introvert or not, it's hard to be prepared for that.
#1. Money.
Yes, with the money you spent on this wedding you could have bought a car. Or a boat. Or paid for your kids' college tuition. How can you spend it all on a single party for one night? I was lucky to be able to save money in advance for my wedding, so I don't have to worry about breaking the bank (or my parents' bank) for it. But it can still become hard to justify the expense when you look at the final costs (and additional added-on costs when you just want something simple like petals for the flower girls). You will likely consider eloping, which can still be as elegant and beautiful as a princess ballroom affair just without all the "extras". Ultimately, you have to decide if you will regret not having your big once-in-a-lifetime wedding (and hopefully you'll only need one), or if you will regret letting that money fly out the window on a wedding instead of something else. At least for me, I can say that a dream wedding (with dream pictures to last forever afterward) is worth it (otherwise, I wouldn't be doing this). I don't want a new car. I certainly don't need a boat. And I hope to continue to save up for my kids' college tuition the same way I saved up for the wedding. But that doesn't mean I won't freak out a little at how much party favors cost and worry if I should shell out the extra money on gourmet donuts or stick with the classic. This ultimately comes down to the decision-making process in general (which also isn't one of my strong suits--the anxiety in me focuses on fear of regret), but at least I came in anticipating that everything would be expensive.
The moral of the story: don't panic! Anything can happen. Everything is a potential worry. But if you know what to look for, maybe you can face it head on and learn how to let it roll off your back as it gets closer and closer to the big day (Eventually you might just grow too tired to deal with it anymore anyway). Delegate certain people to worry about the problems. If it's something you can address or fix, deal with it--as quickly as possible--and move on. If the problem is out of your hands, then by very definition it's not your problem. Without your hands, you can't hold it anymore. Let it go, move on, and focus on the things that make you happy about the wedding until that's all you see, feel, and remember. Choreographed dances are fun. Centerpieces are beautiful. You're going to be married by the end of the day. That's what matters.
Comments
Post a Comment